Dottie- the Dog!

This isn't a very good picture. Dottie doesn't like her picture taken. So it's hard to catch her. She is a doberman. But her ears aren't clipped. She's awesome. I love having her around. I didn't realize how much I miss having a dog. I guess.. it's having a dog love me. She loves me. I'm not her "human" but I'm really high up on her list.
We are still waiting on more news on the house. It is looking good for next week though. That's the latest news anyway. I have a doctors appointment on Friday for my foot. I hope to be done with the boot. BUT.... I only have right shoes. All of my left shoes are packed and in the storage unit. I find that to be a problem. We'll see????

A new day.

Today is Sunday. A new week is here. A new chance. I've been thinking a lot about my life now... Not that I want to be negative. I'm tired of being negative. But I want to explain what it is like to be me. People see me and don't see that I dizzy. They don't see that there is anything wrong with me. I can walk. So when you see the walker, a person that is so young (yep that's me, young) with a walker, it has to be weird. Why would I need a walker? Well, because I need something stable to hold onto. Something that I can predict here it will be. Holding onto people works but is not as good as something that I control. Especially when I go outside. Outside I lose my vertical reference. I don't have anything above me to tell me where things stop. Something simple like that is really important. More than I knew, but boy I know now.
When I'm indoors I can "cheat" I touch things. furniture, walls, etc. I touch them with the back of my legs, and I casually leaning on thing. I can do it without people noticing. Sometimes I don't even notice. It's just something I do. I have to, that way I know where I am in a room compared to everything else. That's the problem, I can't tell where I am in space. (sort of, It's hard to explain.)
Then there are the migraines... that's another problem all on it's own. I have a wonderful Neurologist. He has me on some medicine that has made a HUGE difference. I used to have a headache that would last for 4-5 days. Now I can take medicine when I first feel them and usually stop them before they really get going good. YIPPEE!!!! On those occasions when I don't get them stopped. I have hope. Dr. Ales is still here and ready to help.
I feel stupid when I get those stare from people who are probably thinking. "What can possibly be wrong with her?" It does help right now that I have a boot on my foot. But that's only temporary. I don't stumble and fall enough for everyone to see. :0) I've been stared at my whole life... no biggie. That's one thing being a twin has taught me not to care about. For once in my life I would like to know what it is like to be normal. But I guess normal is over-rated. That's not the life I was dealt.
A new day... still being the only person I know how to be. I'm still dizzy, but hopeful that we will get to move this week. Broken foot and all. My kidney infection doesn't seem to be any better... I'll go back to the doctor tomorrow. That's not fun. But that's the plan.

A painting I working on...

A friend of mine has given my permission to use this picture of her little girl. The blue bonnets in Texas were beautiful this year. The first time they've come out since we've lived here. I'm excited to start!

Some new paintings I've done.

I've posted these on Facebook already. I'm really proud of them. This one I actually did with Blue Pastels. I changed the color on the computer. I like it though.

This one is actually is a little bigger, but my camera skills were lacking then. Sorry.

When it rains, it pours...

Well... I'm sorry I was in such a bad mood in my last post. I know why! I haven't been feeling well. I have a rip roaring kidney infection. Big time. I don't have the usual symptom that normal people do. It doesn't hurt to go to the bathroom. So I don't have anyway to catch a simple bladder infection. I don't know there is something wrong until my sides start hurting. That's your kidney's. I've only ever had this happen probably 1 or 2 times my whole life. So it's not like I think about that this is something that could be wrong with me. I was just really, really tired and cranky. I just kind of hurt everywhere. I went to the temple on Tuesday with a friend and then again with my Mom on Saturday. I was in such a bad mood on Saturday, I figured that going to the temple would help. We have been waiting and waiting for something positive to happen on the house. I wanted all the blessing we could get. I had wonderful time with my mom. Sitting up is WAY better than laying down. My back hurts so bad when I lay down. I just want to throw-up I hurt so bad. Anyway, I went to the doctor and she wanted to give me Levaquin. No, no, no.... I'm very allergic to Levaquin... so I'm not taking the best antibiotic for a kidney infection, but I have what is best for me. With my foot, the infection, my headaches. I'm a mess.
I really just want to sleep. But it hurts to lay down.
On another note, I'm sure most people know about John. Well, it's been a little more than a year since we first meet. But it was a year ago this week that he came to visit me here in San Antonio. It's been a tough week just for that reason alone. Then to add being sick on top of it. I'm just not myself. Fortunately, I spend some with Jill yesterday. It helps to be able to talk it out. Remembering that he tricked me. I wasn't to blame for what he did to me. I know that I am loved and will never be hurt by those who truly care for me. It's days and weeks like this that I really miss my dad. I could really use a hug.

Maybe a little selfish...

I hate Mother's Day. I love my Mom. I try to show everyday that I love her. I know she likes Mother's Day. But this Mother's Day. I am her only child here in Texas. And after talking to my sister... I feel sort of abandon.
O.K. I'm changing my opinion... they worked on some photos... they send them to Costco. I get to paid for them. But it was after hours and she's not going to have anything ON Mother's Day. Great... I shouldn't be mad. I know. But with everything that's going on with the house. We are still in limbo, we are still WAITING for everything to be settled with that. In the mean time, we are living with friends. We have been here for more than 2 weeks now. Unbelievable. Wonderful, incredible friends though. This has just been a tough week.

Plus, I have my own reasons for hating Mother's Day. It's a GREAT BIG reminder of what I don't have... and of what I really want. Sorry, I'm just having a pity party. I don't feel to good. I haven't for week now. Plus, my foot hurts. I need to go to the store and try to redeem some kind of a decent Mother's day for my Mom. Yippee!

Continuation of the Story

Well... I left off with getting my diagnosis, and doing the experimental treatments with Dr. Epley. Finally, I had to be done with that. I was about??? 26-27 or so then. Jena had gotten married, had two kids. I moved to an apartment with my mom after my dad died. Financially it was what we both needed to do. I completed my education. With a GREAT deal of help from my Grandma. I got scholarships, and grants, but when I needed to go to Provo for the Summer she helped me do that. I was able to graduate from Brigham Young University. My dream! it really came true. My degree is in Psychology. I finished. I am a college graduate. I didn't get to go to my graduation, and my degree came in the mail to me right after I had moved to Texas. So not very many people have even seen it. But it really happened. I worked so hard for soooo many years to complete it. I am a Ricks College alumni, and now a BYU alumni.
Over the years my dizziness had not really changed until 2 years ago. I had had some times of incredible bad dizzy but then it seemed to stabilizes on it's own with time. We've known it would get worse, but I had been so careful. I did know that I HAD to have tubes in my ears. Most Vestibular Disorder Patients don't need them, but I definitely do. The difference for me is incredible, I have permanent tubes now. They are checked very closely. I actually have an appointment in 2 days just to make sure there OK after the allergy season.
But 2 years ago, I came back from Idaho with Altitude Sickness. I had it when I was there (now when I go, I pretty much always do, I take meds 4 days before I even leave San Antonio to go to Idaho, then keep taking then till I can handle being in the high altitude.) But that was my first experience with the Altitude Sickness, I was with my friend Jill, in San Antonio when I got REALLY sick. I was at her house and couldn't drive home. Her and her husband got me and my car home. I was laying low for a couple of days. But I was getting worse. Saturday, Jill and I went to a class that we really wanted to go to. I went to the bathroom and couldn't get back to her. She brought me back to my mom and they took me to the hospital. I was MAD. I thought they were over re-acting. In the E.R. they took right back.... no waiting. That worried me. But I was still mad. I was so sick, so dizzy at that point, that I couldn't hold on enough. All of my muscle hurt from being so tense from trying to hold on to the chair, then the bed. I had a HUGE head ache. They E.R. doctor really didn't know much about Vestibular Disorders. He knew enough to ask ME for help. My mom and I and even Jill explained what was happening and why. My ENT, Dr. King was not on call that Saturday, but the other doctor in her office admitted me into the neuro unit in the hospital. MRI's and CT scans and tons of steroids to reduces the swelling in my brain were ordered. I have been diagnosed with Mid-Brain Migraines along with the everything else. I got my Driver's License taken away. That was a surprise. I didn't have a seizure or anything. But I was defiantly a hazard. I knew that. I would never have driven if I wasn't safe to drive. But the fact that they said I couldn't, put me in a different category. After the hospital stay, I couldn't walk alone without the assistance of a walker for months. Now I only use it outside. If I don't have something over my head. I don't have a vertical reference. It's hard to explain why I need to have something above me. But I need to see it, in my peripheral ? vision to balance enough not to fall down all the time. Then shopping is another place I use my walker. To many things passing by, to fast. I can't focus on anything but walking when I'm walking... so shopping is no fun. If I have my walker, I can multi-task.
I'm driving again. It's been almost 2 years since that day I went to the hospital. My dizziness has changed so much in the last 13 years. I have too. I have learned to adapt to it. Some days are easier than others. Some days I never leave the house. Today, I didn't leave. Church is the hardest thing I do. But it is one of the most important things to me. I make a sacrifice for what I know is right. The music is what gets me. But then also, feeling the love of my Savior, takes my guard down, and I get dizzier. I guess it's because I am humble or suppose to be humble anyway. That feeling is overwhelming to me. I know that I won't be able to drive after church... so I try not to be put in a position where I will have to. I would never want that feeling to go away. I will adjust. It is a good thing. Sunday afternoon naps are a HUGE blessing for me, for more than one reason. :0)
Anyway, more on another day.

Taking some Advice from a Lisa.

Well... my cousin's son is getting married. He is going to marry Lisa. She is wonderful. She has a blog and she writes about her illness. She has a VERY rare form of cancer and writes about everything that has happened to her and her family. It has been overhelming at times. It seems to help her to write about it all... I am definately no writer, certainly no speller. But I think I will try to do the same. Please forgive my spelling mistakes.

My Story---
So many things have happened to me over the passed 13 years, since the car accident that caused my dizziness. It will never end. I just wait and see what the next adventure will be. Unfortunately, they are not always fun, rarely are they fun. Wait, they are NEVER fun.
When I was 20 years old, June 28th, 1996, I was rear-ended. I had some compressed vertaberas (?) so my back hurt A LOT... Mostly my upper back around my left shoulder. The doctor said it would take 2-3 years to heal. He was right. At about 2 1/2 years... I suddenly feel the pain in my back go away. But by then worse things were going on. After Christmas 1996, I started feeling dizzy. I was working full time. Going to school at BSU. My parents were getting back together, that was so exciting for our family. But I hurt, I was failing at school, something that had never happened to me before, that was personally humilating. I hated my job, especially some of the people I worked with. And suddenly I was so dizzy I couldn't drive.
I went to an ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) Doctor. He didn't have any answers, so he send me to another ENT in Boise who specialized in Dizziness, I'll call him Dr. M. But your family had dealt with him before with my Grandma... I was not to excitied to see him. I went though... I was sick. Dr. M.... he looked in my ears, he did a few little test in his office. Told me that it was all in my head, he could give me Valium. If I thought I needed to take it, I could... but there was nothing wrong with me. At the time I was 21 years old. I was devastated. He pretty much told me I was crazy... I had already been feeling that way, I had started throwing up because the dizziness was so bad. My eyes would get so tired that sometimes at the end of the day, I couldn't read.... the words wouldn't focus for me. The first time that happened... I totally freaked out. My dad was with me... he calmed me down and had me go to bed. I was better in the morning. My body was working so hard to compensate for the lack of my ears working.
Now 13 years later, my ENT here in San Antonio (who is super great!!!) has explained to me why those things happened. The accident happened in June. It took time for the fluid to build up in my ears. I wouldn't have been instantly dizzy. I had inner-ear concussions. Bilatterally (both ears)... Dr. M. did have an answer to why I was dizzy, so I had to be making it up. He couldn't admit that he didn't know something. A few months later, my chiropracter, Dr. Kranz, one of the most wonderful guys in the WHOLE world, decided to do research on his own. He found Dr. John Epley. He is a famous ENT, they have a manuver named after him and everything. (He's not famous outside of the ENT world, Ha, Ha) Dr. Epley was in Portland, Oregon. Dr. Kranz got me an appointment. I was soooo scared, what if he was just one more doctor that told me I was crazy. I didn't know if I could handle it. But by then I had gotten a new job and I really liked it and wanted to be able to keep it. I needed to work.
My mom took me to Portland. We stayed with some really good friends. The Doctor's office told us to plan on staying for a week to complete all the test. WOW!!! TESTS!!! First fill out TONS of paper work that ask TONS of questions... some of them really strange. Then... Hearing test, spin you around in a chair while you have little probes stuck to your head test, moving platform test (I REALLLY HATE that one.) Put water in your ear and measure how dizzy it makes you test. That one is just weird. But finally someone was doing SOMETHING.
Then after all the tests were done. Dr. Epley comes and sits in front of you and reads and thinks, flips pages, thinks.... he's funny, not very talkative... he's pretty old (he's actually retired now). But when I went to his office he said, "Why didn't Dr. M send you to me???" I was floored. I guess he sends people to him from time to time... we figured it was my age. I was only 21. I was just to young to have something like this happen to me. I have had cronic ear problems since I was a baby. Why did he question me on this???? He was arroggant and proud. I hate that I am talking so bad about another person. I need to forgive him. But he made me feel like dirt and that I was a pill seeker.... I suffered even more because I refused to take the valium because it made me look like a pill popper. The medicine I take now... I force myself to take because in the back of my mind I'm questioning if I'm really making it all up. NOT ONE DAY did I ever even pretend that I was dizzy when I wasn't. It isn't a fun feeling. Ever. Who would ever WANT to be dizzy???? How stupid could a person be to want this? I would never wish this on my worst enemy.
Dr. Epley finally diagnoised the ear concussions. He asked me so many questions. Weird ones too.... You never realize how much your balance touches the little things in your life. Technically it's a very broad way to say I'm dizzy, I have a Vestibular Disorder, with an underlying form of Hydrops. The Hydrops is a lesser form of Meneirs' Disease. As I get older, things will get worse. Nothing will stop that. I can slow it down and I try VERY hard to do that. That is why I don't eat salt. A low sodium diet is neccesary for people like me. Everyone with a vestibular disorder is a little different but one thing is always the same. Fluid WILL build up in your ear. Salt makes people retain water, that's fluid. I try to avoid that. Others can't eat sugar either... etc... I can... It doesn't effect me. YEAH!!!
Dr. Epley changed my life. Not only did he finally diagnois me, he told me I wasn't crazy. There really was something wrong with me. Something I didn't cause, something that could some what be treated... I did all the surgeries, 2 major ones. My right ear responded great... Left ear did not. I have tried tons of experimental things that Dr. Epley was working on. He tried so hard for 2 years to help me. But eventually I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I was just becoming a lab rat. Dr. Epley was out of ideas. He didn't have anything else. My dizziness was actually worse than ever at that point. So many things have been done to me. I really just needed to heal.
But my life was continuing... by then I couldn't work at all. I hated it. I didn't want to do it. The paperwork was really done for me, but I become disabled. I diffentantly qualified. I was accepted on the first try for Social Security Benefits... unheard of. I was really sick. It was a miracle, one I didn't want at the time. But now I am soooo grateful for. I hate that I have to be this way, but at least I have that benefit.
Also at that time my Dad got sick, he had Lung Cancer. It wasn't long and he died. It was devastating to our family. He was so young. We all were, I was 24. One of the big things that I know effects my dizziness is my emotions. Some things, well... are harder than others. I do have a peace knowing that my Dad is aware of me and comforting me during the really crappy times. More than that... I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my family, always. Years ago he took care of my finicial future when I really didn't care about it. One of the small, tiny, little miracles that He was done for me over the years since this all began. I am alive, I have family and friends that love me and I love them. Somedays, are hard. I just keep doing what I've been doing. Believing.
Well, this is a little paraphase of a few years. I'll continue on later.
-Tena

My broken foot SAGA... uugghhh

This is the first boot. WAY back at Halloween. I ACCIDENTLLY kick a cinder block. (my bed sits on them) I broke the bone right behind "ring" toe (fourth). I wore this boot for 6 weeks. I had to take it to Idaho. I had over Thanksgiving.

THEN: While I was in Idaho.... in the middle of the night I kicked a suitcase. (No one wears shoes to bed!!!!) Of course it had to be the same foot, the same spot. At first, I just wore my shoes, nice and tight. Nope, not cutting it. I saw Jena's family Doctor. He said get new shoes (I loved that!)... I did, wore them nice and tight. Nope, no good. I walked on it broken for at least 3 weeks before I got back to Texas. Then I saw my Ortho Doctor (he is ALWAYS happy to see me, just kidding) .... I had to wear the same boot for ANOTHER 6 weeks. GREAT!!! not really.

Finally,in April I was feeling like maybe it was going to be better... but I always had to have good, strudy shoes... no flip flops.... (sad, sad, sad) and coudln't stand for my foot to get cold. (sad, sad, sad)

Then we are getting ready to move. We are working on the house. So many things need to be done. MOST of them on a ladder. I know I'm not supposed to be on a ladder. I had done everything I could possibly do on the ground and was watching people do work on MY house.... so MANY things still need to done by the next day... I couldn't stand it... I was very careful when it came to my dizziness... I didn't think to much about my foot. I was tired. I was working. I had been for several days. One day on a ladder shouldn't make that much difference to my foot.

WRONG!!!! I had to make a trip back to the Ortho Doctor, now he is REALLY happy to see me, so much that he sends me to someone else. :0)

The Foot Ortho Specialists.... He does this.

A CAST....More stability... I got to pick the color. You can actually almost see the break. I thought that was a little weird, but as long as I didn't wiggle my toes, I was good. I could walk on it and everything. That was Monday. Unfortunately, that happened to be the week that we move all of our belongings into storage and moved out of our apartment. A LOT of work for Tena... It was about 75 degrees in Texas. Not to hot... but it is if you are packing, loading, unloading, loading again, unloading again.... several times. Plus, I seem to be allegric to something that was used in the casting process. Because by Sunday night... I was in a world of HURT. So Monday I called the doctor's office and told them that I thought I had a blister on my heel (it hurt the most on Sunday). They had me come in right away... I was a little surprized, grateful, but surpized. When they took the cast off.... WOW!!! big relief, But BIG smell.... and this

This picture really doesn't give it justice. It was disgusting. Heat rash and hives.... but it didn't get infected.... So no more cast.... YEAH!!!!!!!! I could have stood up and danced but my foot hurt too bad. The doctor order a MRI and I can the NEW BOOT.

I feel like I came out of the Star Wars movie... I'm one of the Storm Troopers. But I have some major protection. The ball thing on the top is where you bump it up. It's pretty cool. Now I can shower without a plastic bag on my leg (Yeepppiiee!!) That is the BIGGEST bennift. The MRI came back with another break. I'm not really sure if it's the orginal one from back in October or a new one. It seems to be higher up on my foot. Same general area though. Fourth toe on my left foot. It's been 6 full months of messing with all of this. I will be in this boot for another MONTH. HOLY COW.... Then I go back to the doctor and we will re-evaluate. I can't imagine.

By the way....

I didn't get into the Government Study for the Brainport. They said my dizziness was to "unstable".... I would mess up their results. They have to have good results to get the funding they need to make it available to everyone. (and make money)... If the Brainport ever comes out, the doctor that was trying to get me into the study thinks it would really help. That's YEARS away. But there is nothing anyone can do. I tried. I didn't just give up, which would have been really easy, instead of being a lab rat. Oh well.... someday.

The New House????

WE ARE MOVING!!!! I am determined. We are going to move. Actually we already have. Out of the Apartment anyway. The apartment is sparkling clean. All of our things are in storage and we are staying with friends.
We have been here for more than a week now. The end of our stay???? we don't know. The closing date has changed so many times on the house we are buying.... We have a wonderful realtor and she is working so hard for us. The problem happens to be the seller... she neglected to tell the truth. Problem.
Overall, this means we are getting a better deal for the house. It will just take longer. $4,000 less than we offered. yeppiee!
I am just grateful for wonderful friends who are so graciously letting us stay with them. My mom and I each have a room. We come and go anytime we need to.... It's great. They have a great dog (a doberman) she is a sweetie.... she senses fear. It's really cool. The first time she saw me, she laid her head on my hip.... that's what she does when she wants you to pet her. She's a communcater. Ha, Ha.... I guess I have no fear. It's surprising how many people do, even big men. Then there are little girls who don't. Dottie (the dog) she knows, it's amazing.
I feel safe here. Not just because of Dottie. She is a wonderful guard dog. But because I don't have to have so many fears and reminders of "you know who". I'm trying so hard to be done. I am but being where he can't find me. Makes it even better. No names of the people I'm staying with, no addresses on the internet. I have to feel safe. I'm FINALLY starting to feel it now. I'm going to be O.K.